26Aug2004

Prime Minister Helen Clark has been listed among the world’s most powerful women by a US business magazine “Forbes”. On first reading this headline you’ve got so say “isn’t that just great”. But if you read on you find out that she’s only come in at number 43. This is a bit like saying Michael Campbell is among the great golfers of the world. Then he comes in at number 48. Or somewhere nearby. I suppose 43rd is better than nothing. But if Helen was playing in the PGA – the Professional Golf Association of America’s recent tournament in Wisconsin, if she’d come in at number 43 she would have missed the cut. In other words she wouldn’t have made the final round. She’d be back in the clubhouse. Basically that’s where she is now.

I phoned an old school friend of mine Tony Toscano who’s a taxi driver in San Francisco. San Francisco taxi drivers know everything. “Buon giorno Antonia (it helps to have a little Italian) what’s the inside story on the Forbes classification of the most powerful women in the world? How did they go about their classification? How did Condoleezza Rice the National Security Advisor of President Bush come out as number 1?” “Well” said Tony, “they polled people in all parts of the United States including Chinatown in San Francisco. They asked who’s more powerful and popular. Fried rice or Condoleezza rice? Most of them had never heard of Condoleezza rice. They thought it was a new style of risotto. So they voted for it. Basically it was the same all over the country. Condoleezza rice overnight has become the nation’s top takeaway meal. It’s all about power and the battle against obesity. Condoleezza rice is number one in the war against fat. And then there are other ethnic foods, Indian, Indonesian, Sri Lankan, Singaporean. That explains why India’s Sonia Gandhi, Indonesia’s Megawati Sukaraoputri and Singapore’s No Ching scored so highly in the polls. Americans think that they’re all powerful eastern exotic dishes. That’s why a dish called Helen Clark hardly ranked. “Then how come Margaret Thatcher came in at number 21?” “Well in the United States there are a whole heap of people who think that Margaret Thatcher is still the Prime Minister of Great Britain. Some of them even think that Ronald Reagan is still President. I think what they liked about Margaret Thatcher was that she was a no nonsense woman. She went after the Argies in the Falkland Islands. Most of all what they like about her is her handbag. A handbag here in the States is a symbol of power. A handbag denotes authority. A lot of petty thieves in San Francisco aspire to nothing other than owning a handbag. That’s why there’s so many handbag snatchers in the downtown area. You and I know Margaret Thatcher might have lost the election all those years ago but she’s hung on to that symbol of power. She’s never let go of her handbag. The same with the Queen. She came in at number 22. Close behind Margaret Thatcher. And when did you last see the Queen without a handbag? I think this is the reason for Helen Clark’s low rating. She speaks powerfully. Dresses powerfully but if she aspires to going up in the power ratings she needs to get into handbags.” I found this hard to believe. “It’s true” came Tony’s voice down the line. “A woman’s handbag is full of mystery, intrigue. It’s an instrument of power. Have you ever got to look into a woman’s handbag?” Well I hadn’t. “Well I have” said Tony “you won’t believe what they keep in there. Everything from needle to haystacks. Little power houses.” Tony hung up. Don’t be surprised then if next time you see the Prime Minister and she’s carrying a handbag, you’ll know why.

12Aug2004

Peter and Justine Salter live at Pukekura which is between Fergusons and HariHari. Pukekura is not all that far from Lake Winthe, Urquharts and Duffers Creeks. This has got to be the West Coast. And it is. They run a café at Pukekura and one of their specialties is possum pies. Over a long period of time Peter and Justine have perfected a recipe which has enabled them to turn possum into passum. Well passum as far as the meat goes. The recipe, like Colonel Sanders secret recipe of 100 herbs & spices for KFC is likewise a secret. There are only two other people on the Coast who have been let in on the secret. They are the Salter’s accountant and solicitor. “We feel very comfortable sharing the secret with them” says Justine. “Neither of them can cook”. They did reveal however that apart from possum which forms the body of the pies there are carrots and the whole concoction was flavoured with rosemary, garlic, lemon and balsamic vinegar. All this is to mask what they refer to as the “rather gamey smell”.

So last week in an export drive the Salters cooked up a batch of pies and headed for the North Island. Wellington to be precise. The target was Bellamys Restaurant at Parliament. They were of the opinion that they could persuade Bellamys to stock the pies. The whole idea behind this was that they and the members of Parliament might make a real effort at conservation. “Our slogan is ‘save trees eat a possum’. Apparently at the last census seventy million possums registered. And of those who answered the questionnaire it was revealed that on an average night between them possums ate 21000 tonne of trees. Peter and Justine arrived at Parliament dressed in possum skin hats and jerkins with a stack of pies to deliver to Bellamys. On first sight the Speaker Jonathan Hunt thought that this was another two person hikoi of protestors to the foreshore and seabed legislation. He ordered the police to investigate. They did but apparently they found there is no provision in the regulations governing conduct in the grounds of Parliament which specifically prohibited the public exposure of pies. Pies of any nature. Even possum pies. The Salters were asked were they presenting a petition. Well yes they were. They wanted the pies in Bellamys. I don’t know what then transpired but Bellamys management declined to allow its chefs even to sample the pies. In entered Nick Smith, MP for Tasman, intrepid explorer, tramper, kayaker but first and foremost a politician. He seized the opportunity notwithstanding the fact that the pie makers are not from his electorate. Nick knows well from his many tramps in the Kahurangi National Park that Tasman’s got more possums than electors. There could be a few votes in this. Coughing a mouthful of the rosemary lemon garlic and balsamic flavoured possum pie he declared “this is not pie in the sky stuff, this is the real thing. I’m a regular eater of Bellamys pies and I would rate these as good if not better. They are little like chicken. A little like mutton.” Peter Salter after receiving Nick Smith’s assessment was pleased. He said that he had received other feedback “one guy said they tasted like guinea pig”. He had to take his word on that. He had never tasted guinea pig.

I’ve not tried them. Unlike Nick Smith I don’t need the votes. But I wondered about the carrots and 2-4-5 T. I know that’s a mixture favoured by possums. “Not a problem” said Peter. “All our pies are Ministry of Agriculture approved. They told us we could feed these pies to 2 or 4 or even 5 for tea without any problems.”

I suspect the Salters are back at Pukekura. I’ve got a pair of possum and merino gloves. They’re great. I wonder if they added a little merino to their mixture the pies might just lose that guinea pig flavour?

05Aug2004

There were two important stories this week. One was about lizards. The other was about the police. Lets deal with the lizards first. Chris Carter who is the Conservation Minister was launching Conservation week. In his launching speech Chris (that’s what he likes to be called) told us a most important fact of life. No he couldn’t reduce GST. He had no control over interest rates. Nor the soaring electricity prices. Even though his portfolio expressly ordered him to conserve. This is what he said “let’s all join hands and rejoice. We’ve got 80 species and indeed subspecies of lizards that we know of and we are still finding more.” He hastened to ensure us that he wasn’t talking about those lizards that cheat social welfare or ACC “I’m talking about real time lizards. New Zealand is home to a wider variety of lizards that almost any other temperate country in the world.” He chose not to mention or identify the intemperate countries which probably all have lizards too. He then went on to tell us of the exciting finds. There was the Sinbad Valley Skink. This was discovered in March last in the mountains of Fiordland. It’s discovery clearly established that Captain James Cook might not have got to Fiordland first. He could have been beaten by Sinbad the Sailor. He then described them “they’re black with green spots on their backs. Salmon pink spots on their sides and (wait for it) long toes and a tail.” Then there’s the Rangitata Skink. This was found in Canterbury this year. Apparently a much larger relative of the long toed skink. It’s chestnut brown with prominent pale stripes and two eyes. Quite surprising really when you would expect a Rangitata Skink from Canterbury to be red and black and have only one eye. Such is nature. The Mount Benson Gecko/Split Rostal Gecko is something else. This species was found in the Kahurangi National Park in 2002. Chris continues “this lizard differs from all other geckos in the world because the scale at the tip of its nose is divided into two.” You will notice that all these wonderful reptilian discoveries have been made in the last few years. The reason for this? Well I would say it has a lot to do with MMP. Look at Donna Awatere Huata, “Definitely a skink” says Richard Prebble. “Trouble was when we chose her as a candidate we knew little about skinks. Boy have we learnt”. We’ve got a lot to thank Chris Carter for. Back to Chris. “This government has left no tarn unsterned or should that be stern untarned. No matter it’s amazing what we are finding. It’s exciting. We could be on the way to a new age of the dinosaurs.” As for new discoveries. Well I suggest you watch out for the Lambton Quay Skink/Art Gecko. Some sightings of this reptilian gem have been found in the tunnel which links Bowen House where most MPs work in Wellington with Parliament Buildings across the road.

The second story involves the police. Concerned at the number of police chases involving accidents, officers in future will have to earn the right to get involved in chases. National Road Safety manager Superintendent Steve Fitzgerald said that under the new régime officers will be tested on their skills and understanding. As a result they will be awarded gold, silver or bronze ranking accordingly. Gold drivers will be permitted to engage in all duties. Silver drivers will have some restrictions placed on them. And when you are down to Bronze, which isn’t very much, you will have to drive within the road rules. If you think I’ve been writing all this fired up on a glass of cask Muller Thurgau I haven’t. It’s all true. Skinks, Geckos and the Police. Unbelievable. At the moment there is no suggestion that the chase cars will be painted gold, silver or bronze. So when you get stopped or chased you will have no idea of the officer’s colour ranking. I can just see it. “Hello officer. Are you a gold, silver or bronze officer?” “No unfortunately I’m none of them. I’m just a simple old fashioned copper”.