11Nov2004

Last week was a bad week. It started off on Thursday morning with the news George W. Bush had been re-elected as President of the United States. Deja vu again. Well given time I could deal with that. What really concerned me was the news that Ma’a Nonu All Black and great rugby player could have been wearing makeup in the final of the National Provincial rugby Championship two weeks ago. Wellington against Canterbury. For those of you who couldn’t give a toss about rugby bear with me. It’s alleged that Nonu, before he took the field against Canterbury, stood before the mirror in the dressing room under the Westpac Stadium and began applying eyeliner to his eyelids. He explained this behaviour as a natural extension of wearing his hair in streaky dreadlocks. “I was making a fashion statement”. Old timers were horrified. Alex “Grizz” Wylie interviewed at his North Canterbury farm whilst pruning his roses with a chainsaw said he was shocked. “Fashion statement my foot. In my day the uglier you looked the greater chance you had of winning. I always walked on to the field looking ugly. Real ugly. No way would you catch me wearing eyeliner. In fact I wouldn’t even touch aftershave three days before a test match in case the opposition would get a sniff and see this as capitulation.” Could I quote him on this? “Well yes as long as you spell “capitulation” correctly.” I have. Colin Meads in between sinking another three hundred tanalised fence posts on his Te Kuiti farm for a television ad said he thought this eyeliner thing was a hoax. “I don’t know about these Wellington fellas. The closest I ever got to eyeliner or perfume for that matter was linament. The dressing room stank of it. If we were going to go down this fashion path I can see Charlotte Dawson or Nicky Watson for that matter in the dressing sheds before kick off spraying everyone with L’Oreal or Issy Miake. When I come to think of it if those lovely ladies had both been there in Africa in the 1960’s then we might have beaten the Springboks.

Chris Laidlaw, former All Black, ambassador, Member of Parliament and now commentator and columnist had this to say. “I was criticized for my hairstyle in the 1970’s. In fact I was told by the selectors to get a haircut. They thought that with my flowing mane I mightn’t see the ball coming out of the scrum or rucks. I ended up with a traditional short back and sides. I’d have to admit I never thought about eyeliner.” Hard man Norm Hewitt when asked for his opinion said “I just hope he’s not going to get a nipple ring or an earring in the right ear next”. I asked Ma’a Nonu what he thought of Norm’s comments. “I can’t guarantee the nipple ring but I can assure Norm I won’t be getting a navel ring. For the reason that if I got caught in the ruck and the navel ring became dislodged my bum might fall off.”

Sir Clive Woodward who is bringing a big circus of Lions and clowns here next year said he didn’t see makeup as a problem. What would worry him would be if balding referee Paddy O’Brien wore a toupee, fishnet stockings and a touch of rouge. Amanda Nicolle a Kirkcaldie & Stains makeup lady thought it was gorgeous that Nonu was wearing makeup. When she was a Mary Quant girl in the 1970’s she applied foundation to the fullback All Black Joe Karam to promote a new range of men’s products. Did wonders for his kicking. “More than ever what we need in our backline is for it to have a firm foundation. I’m all for it.” And the final word from Ma’a Nonu “they tell me that to be a great All Black you need the X-factor. That’s what’s behind my present campaign. I think my eyeliner is what the selectors are looking for. The Ma’aX factor.”