07Apr2005
“It’s official” proclaimed the headline in the ‘Sunday Star Times’ a week or so ago. We are in the grip of a man drought. Social scientist Dr. Paul Callister tells us that kiwi men in their relationship forming years have virtually disappeared. Men are increasingly outnumbered by women. In 1986 there were 700 more men in this country than there were women. But by 2001 there were 53,000 more women than men in the 20-40 age group. You’d have to ask the question “where have all the young men gone?” “We’ve got no idea” says Dr. Callister who incidentally received a government grant to find out where they were. Apparently he hasn’t come up with the answer yet.
I decided to research this male disappearance without, I must declare, any government subsidy. This is what I found. Surprisingly, and this I have empirically established, is that the decline in the numbers of the male species came around about the same time that sauvignon blanc grapes were planted in Marlborough. There’s obviously a co-relation. Kiwi men in the days before the 1980’s were a swashbuckling, devil may care beer drinking part of the community. A kiwi man would come home of an evening. Crack open a Lion Red. Tuck into a feed of roast mutton, kumara, pumpkin and potatoes and then put his feet up and snore off in front of the TV. But along came sauvignon blanc. It not only took the world of wine by storm but it, as we shall see, caused a great social revolution. Into the 1980’s social mores changed. The kiwi man arrived home to be greeted by the lady of the house and a wine bottle (both chilled). He had to sit there quietly sipping and was expected by his partner to indulge in intelligent and meaningful conversation. Beer consumption as a result plummeted. Sauvignon blanc sales sky rocketed. No longer could the male put his feet up and snore off. Not only had he to drink the sauvignon blanc but he was expected to help with the preparation of the sauce for the evening meal of pasta, or worse still cook a quiche. All this was a recipe for extinction. So what happened. In true Darwinian fashion the kiwi male, determined to preserve the species, realised that the only way that the fittest could survive was to head for the hills. It was sauvignon blanc and quiche that drove him out. In the course of my research I found enclaves of men living almost cave like in primitive conditions in such remote areas as the Matakitaki Valley beyond Murchison. In places like Kuripapango on the old Napier-Taihape Road. There they were hundreds of eligible males living happily in primitive communities. Living off the land. Not a sauvignon blanc in sight. Foraging for food where they could find it. Gathered around the evening campfire cooking damper (a mixture of flour and water twirled onto a stick of manuka). Ladling out copious quantities of an alcoholic drink that they’d brewed up from fermented fern roots. At one with nature.
I spoke with Ted, one of these males. Here’s his story. “I left society because I realised there was little future for me in a female dominated environment. I felt threatened. It looked to me as if the whole show had been taken over by women. You had the Prime Minister. The Governor General. The Chief Justice. The Speaker of the House. All women. Hell. The last job I had as an earthmover, all the dump truck drivers were women. I knew I didn’t stand a chance. At the end of the day they used to retire to their smoko shed and get stuck into the sauvignon blanc. I couldn’t take any more. So I headed for the hills. I reckon there are about 53,000 of us, red blooded males hiding away up here in the bush and I can’t see us coming out unless there’s a change of government or a change in the drinking habits.”
The breweries confirmed my research. Beer sales have over the last five years slumped dramatically. Wine sales especially sauvignon blanc are at an all time high. “It’s no good” says kiwi bloke Gary McCormick. “The government’s gotta get these men out of the bush. Get them back into society. Get them down in the towns and villages back into increasing and multiplying the human race.” McCormick reckons that a $5,000.00 grant to enable these latter day cavemen to buy an old Holden would be a good starting point. Get them back on the road. Ted wasn’t so sure. “That might suit McCormick, he’s an old surfie. I wouldn’t know one end of one surfboard from the other. And as for increasing and multiplying, maths has never been my strong point.” “Well do you remember that song Maurice Chavalier used to sing Ted?” “Never heard of him.” “Well he was a French singer. The song went something like this. “Tank ‘eaven for leetle boys without them what would leetle girls do ..” “Just what you expect from a Frenchman” said Ted. “I couldn’t care less. All I know is there are 53,000 others like me who are quite happy to stay up here in the bush. Make that 53,001. I hear John Tamihere wants to join us next week.
I decided to research this male disappearance without, I must declare, any government subsidy. This is what I found. Surprisingly, and this I have empirically established, is that the decline in the numbers of the male species came around about the same time that sauvignon blanc grapes were planted in Marlborough. There’s obviously a co-relation. Kiwi men in the days before the 1980’s were a swashbuckling, devil may care beer drinking part of the community. A kiwi man would come home of an evening. Crack open a Lion Red. Tuck into a feed of roast mutton, kumara, pumpkin and potatoes and then put his feet up and snore off in front of the TV. But along came sauvignon blanc. It not only took the world of wine by storm but it, as we shall see, caused a great social revolution. Into the 1980’s social mores changed. The kiwi man arrived home to be greeted by the lady of the house and a wine bottle (both chilled). He had to sit there quietly sipping and was expected by his partner to indulge in intelligent and meaningful conversation. Beer consumption as a result plummeted. Sauvignon blanc sales sky rocketed. No longer could the male put his feet up and snore off. Not only had he to drink the sauvignon blanc but he was expected to help with the preparation of the sauce for the evening meal of pasta, or worse still cook a quiche. All this was a recipe for extinction. So what happened. In true Darwinian fashion the kiwi male, determined to preserve the species, realised that the only way that the fittest could survive was to head for the hills. It was sauvignon blanc and quiche that drove him out. In the course of my research I found enclaves of men living almost cave like in primitive conditions in such remote areas as the Matakitaki Valley beyond Murchison. In places like Kuripapango on the old Napier-Taihape Road. There they were hundreds of eligible males living happily in primitive communities. Living off the land. Not a sauvignon blanc in sight. Foraging for food where they could find it. Gathered around the evening campfire cooking damper (a mixture of flour and water twirled onto a stick of manuka). Ladling out copious quantities of an alcoholic drink that they’d brewed up from fermented fern roots. At one with nature.
I spoke with Ted, one of these males. Here’s his story. “I left society because I realised there was little future for me in a female dominated environment. I felt threatened. It looked to me as if the whole show had been taken over by women. You had the Prime Minister. The Governor General. The Chief Justice. The Speaker of the House. All women. Hell. The last job I had as an earthmover, all the dump truck drivers were women. I knew I didn’t stand a chance. At the end of the day they used to retire to their smoko shed and get stuck into the sauvignon blanc. I couldn’t take any more. So I headed for the hills. I reckon there are about 53,000 of us, red blooded males hiding away up here in the bush and I can’t see us coming out unless there’s a change of government or a change in the drinking habits.”
The breweries confirmed my research. Beer sales have over the last five years slumped dramatically. Wine sales especially sauvignon blanc are at an all time high. “It’s no good” says kiwi bloke Gary McCormick. “The government’s gotta get these men out of the bush. Get them back into society. Get them down in the towns and villages back into increasing and multiplying the human race.” McCormick reckons that a $5,000.00 grant to enable these latter day cavemen to buy an old Holden would be a good starting point. Get them back on the road. Ted wasn’t so sure. “That might suit McCormick, he’s an old surfie. I wouldn’t know one end of one surfboard from the other. And as for increasing and multiplying, maths has never been my strong point.” “Well do you remember that song Maurice Chavalier used to sing Ted?” “Never heard of him.” “Well he was a French singer. The song went something like this. “Tank ‘eaven for leetle boys without them what would leetle girls do ..” “Just what you expect from a Frenchman” said Ted. “I couldn’t care less. All I know is there are 53,000 others like me who are quite happy to stay up here in the bush. Make that 53,001. I hear John Tamihere wants to join us next week.
posted by Lundon at 2:09 PM
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