04May2005

There’s a company in California “Genetics Savings & Clone” which is a leader in the animal cloning industry. Reports tell us that over the past couple of years their technicians have managed to clone several kittens. This year they’re planning to clone a dog. These clones don’t come cheap. The starting price for kittens could begin around US$100,000.00. Don’t ask me how much a cloned dog would cost but it would probably beat a lifetime (that’s a human’s lifetime) supply of Tux dog biscuits.

The chief cloner is one Phillip Damiani. Just as John F. Kennedy vowed to put a man on the moon within five years of his presidential inauguration, or like George W. Bush pledged to be out of Iraq by 2050, Phillip Damiani has set himself a deadline of late 2005 to clone a dog. Dogs are apparently more difficult to clone than cats. Well I could imagine cloning a St. Bernard or one of those big Newfoundlands could take some time, but what’s so difficult about a Chihuahua? Mr Damiani, or perhaps we could call him Phil, may have set himself an impossible deadline. He’s reported to have said “I feel the pressure every day when I come to work”. Well put yourself in his position. How would you cope with being a dog cloner? Phil arrives home at about 8:30pm every day exhausted. He’s greeted by his wife. “What sort of a day did you have at work today Honey?” (For some inexplicable reason American couples call their spouses “Honey”. Don’t ask me why.) “How’s your dog going?” “Not a good day Honey” (see what I mean) replies Phil. “When I got to the lab this morning and opened up the test tube all I got was a pile of fur and whiskers. Cats were a breeze but I’m finding this transition from cats to dogs too much. I’m afraid I might end up with something that looks like a dog, runs like a dog, wags its tail like a dog but its whiskers, fur and the meow would give the game away. I’ve got this deadline to meet by Christmas. Some of my customers have already bought kennels and “Beware of the Dog” signs. If I don’t deliver by Christmas it could be all over Rover. We might have to go back to that short hair cat we cloned for allergy sufferers. That was a big earner.

Enter Dr. Arthur Caplan a bioethicist at the University of Pennsylvania into the argument. “Cloning may be over-hyped. Bringing back your dead pet is not all it’s cracked up to be. The new dog won’t know the old tricks.” How true. Just imagine it. You’ve paid Phil Damiani US$30,000.00 to clone Rover, who for the last 15 years has run down your driveway every morning through rain, hail, snow, sunshine and fetched and brought “The Press” to your front door. Now you’ve got Rover’s clone and all he’s doing is lying there and wanting for his tummy to be scratched. Or worse taking your slippers to the gate. Dr. Caplan continues “there’s nothing wrong with pet modification if it produces pets that have a smaller footprint on the environment. This is where the problem arises for Phil Damiani. If he’s successful and clones a puppy by Christmas he undoubtedly will want to extend his cloning horizons to something big like an elephant. I’ve seen the foot print of an elephant and it’s big. I bet Phil’s having dreams right now. “Well yes” says Phil. “I could, after dogs, move onto elephants. The only problem is that in my dreams all the elephants I see are pink.” We understand Phil, but a pink elephant is worth the effort. Go for it Phil – send in the clones.