09June2005

News last week announcing that a Massey University Evolutionary Biologist Professor David Lambert and his team had, after five years of research, found a 140 kilo new species of Moa, which to quote Professor Lambert is equal to “one and a bit Jonah Lomu’s.” Professor Lambert had used ancient DNA from moa bones to unravel the mystery. “We’ve found fourteen types of the bird.” “How did you do it?” “Well it’s involved a lot of research. We took bones from museums from around the country, drilled small holes in them and extracted DNA shavings. It’s a little more than amazing. There they were fourteen types of moa. One and a bit times bigger than Jonah Lomu.”

The news initially sent a ripple of fear through the British and Irish Lions rugby camp. Sir Clive Woodward in New Plymouth was asked to comment on this find. “We don’t actually believe this finding. One moa equaling one Jonah Lomu yes. But fourteen no. We know after the World Cup in South Africa the England team after seeing Lomu trample under foot the pride of English rugby became acutely aware of moas. But we don’t believe that there are fourteen Jonah Lomu’s lurking in the bush. It’s all a ploy to scare us. We could have tried the same exercise. I’m surprised that myself and my PR man Alistair Campbell didn’t think of it first. I could have asked for an evolutionary biologist – and we’ve got plenty of them – to get me a few shavings from the horn of a unicorn to prove that we had a species of unicorn one and a half times bigger than our former captain the great Martin Johnston. How would your front row go now packing down against three giant unicorns. Horns and all.?” Sorry Sir Clive, the unicorn never existed. It’s mythical animal. “Well I could say the same about your moa. Have you ever seen one?” Well I had to admit I hadn’t. I’d seen a stuffed one but I didn’t want to reveal that to Sir Clive. I know what his response would have been. “Well do you know of anyone else who has seen a moa?” “Well there were those guys down the coast a few years ago who found a moa’s footprint.” “I heard about that” replied Sir Clive. “Same chaps who found a Moriori’s jandal on the Rainbow Ski Field Road. It was all a hoax. I’m seriously wondering whether the moa ever existed. Those bones that keep turning up. Most of the recent discoveries are in pits on isolated beach sites. Their findings seem to coincide with the arrival of Kentucky Fried Chicken in the country about thirty years ago. I’d like to see some research into the DNA of KFC bones. Look a 25 piece pack with fries and coleslaw will produce a lot of bones. If you lump them all together they could well exceed one and half Jonah Lomu’s.” I had to agree. After all last Saturday at Twickenham Jonah Lomu and fourteen moas got beaten. “Whilst I respect scientific research” said Sir Clive, “at the same time you can go too far. If unicorns are a myth then moas fall into the same category. Then there’s Leprechauns. But we’ve got Irish in this team. Don’t go trying to tell them that Leprechauns are a myth or you could start a shenanigans so big it would make Jonah look like one of the seven dwarves.” I agreed. Probably best to leave moas, unicorns and leprechauns with the fairies at the bottom of the garden.