16June2005

“The defendant with intent to cause such injury to another person by means of a dangerous instrument to wit a phone: and the defendant possessed a dangerous or deadly instrument with intent to use it unlawfully against another.” This was the citation entered in the charge sheet issued by a policewoman in New York’s 001 Precinct against Russell Crowe actor of no fixed abode. This act was according to law a second degree assault. And a fourth degree criminal possession of a weapon – a telephone.

The whole world now knows what gave rise to this citation. Russell Crowe was in New York and he was righteously frustrated at not being able to call his wife in Australia. He went down to the foyer of his hotel with his room phone and threw it. The phone. I’ve got a lot of sympathy with Russell. I’ve tried to ring Australia on many occasions only to be greeted with a computer response “due to overloading your call cannot be connected. Try again later.” Russell probably got the same treatment. Well it was 4:20am in the morning. He’d been trying to call for hours. Same message. “Try again later …”. How would you have reacted. I don’t blame him. What he did not know was that in New York a phone is regarded as a fourth degree weapon. A phone is in the same category as flick knives, stun guns, hand grenades, nail scissors or corkscrews. But was this all really a publicity stunt that backfired?

The Australians have been trying for years to get phone throwing as a recognised event in the Olympics. At the Sydney Olympics they tried introducing it as a demonstration sport. Thousands of Aussies went out into George Street in Sydney, up around Kings Cross and down around the Opera House throwing phones. Commuters in trains crossing the Harbour Bridge were encouraged to throw phones out the window. They all became expert at it. But it was all to no avail. The International Olympic Committee was unimpressed. They decided synchronized swimming had more visual appeal. But don’t ever underestimate an Aussie. Enter new Australian Russell Crowe. “If we can get phone throwing back on to the international headlines we might just get it in as an event at the Olympic Games in Beijing.” Well that’s what Russell did. “I just wanted to help this great country become even greater. I mean four certain golds in the coxless phones, the paired phones, the quad phones and the phone eights in China in 2006 would do wonders for our medal tally. And really I didn’t see the concierge standing there. After all it was 4:20am. Most people have their eyes wide shut at that time. And what’s more I was wearing sunglasses. Well that’s what I’ll be telling my lawyers to plead in mitigation when I come before the court. And by the way throw in jetlag, loneliness and an adrenalin surge for good measure. Ostensibly I’m here in this city to promote my new film “Cinderella Man”. It’s the story of a lonely, jetlagged, adrenalin inspired phone throwing Australian who turns into a pumpkin not at midnight but at 4:20am in the morning. You’ll have to see it. It’s hilarious. I certainly hope all this publicity hasn’t done our chances of getting phone throwing into the games any harm. Aussies are relying on me.

Well as I said it was a stunt that had sadly misfired. Seeing Russell on the arm of a lady arresting officer NYPD12876 wearing his sunglasses and zipped jacket, a blue clover leaf and bulldog on the left breast, my heart went out to him. The “Sun in London” was cruelly calling him “Prattus Maximus”. A reference to his Academy award winning role in “the Gladiator”. But Russell is a complete campaigner right to the very end. Whilst being fingerprinted and photographed and charged he then spent the next six hours in custody giving out autographs and promoting a petition to have phone throwing included in the next Olympics. I would suggest you don’t hurry to judge him. After all he who is without spin let him cast the first phone.